I do not know.

geometric texture from Design Cuts
everything else mine


Just when I think I have something figured out, it changes. I get comfortable in a situation and the rug gets pulled out from underneath me. Friendships elude and deceive me. Purpose is fleeting at best. I keep active, physically and mentally. I accomplish "stuff." I help others, try to fit in, rejoice and sorrow with the people around me, yet at the end of the day, I am alone in my thoughts, wondering what is so wrong with me. 

I shouldn't complain. I have a husband and children who love me. My needs are all met, and most of my wants are, too. I have hobbies to keep my hands busy, a direction for my vocation (at 50, it's about time!) and I am never bored. I enjoy mentoring and sharing my experiences with those who want it. People in general seem to like me well enough. People tell me I "inspire" them or "motivate" them to reach for their own dreams.  I like knowing that my positive nature encourages others and that my strength can contribute to making life better for others.  I know God's ways are so much higher than mine that I will never understand His activity in my life. I see Him move, guiding and directing circumstances so that I interact with people just when they need something I have to offer. 

But I'm lonely.

Maybe my expectations for friendship are unrealistic. Maybe I need too much. But I don't think so. I don't necessarily want extended daily conversations or hours of "doing."  I'd be content with a short text: Hi. Busy day ahead. All is well. Nothing more than that. Maybe time just being together--watching television and sharing snarky commentary. Easy stuff. Sharing moments. Inside jokes. Support for the hard times, the occasional word of encouragement when life gets complicated. 

I know Jesus had his close friends, so I think it's something God desires for His children. To date, though, in my life, I seem to have close friends only when it is convenient for the other person or if I can be useful in some way. I like being useful; acts of service is one of my love languages, but it would be nice if it went both ways.  It's not all about me, nor do I want that kind of friend. But what joy there could be in a give and take relationship with another woman who shares my intensity and intelligence and passion. One where, if life gets busy, we are free to say, "I need to disappear for a few days; I'll get back to you--really." And then follow through.

Instead, just when I think I've found that friend, I am unexpectedly abandoned, set aside without warning, leaving me hurt and again confused about what is so wrong with me.

And I have no answer; I do not know.


Post Script:

While the circumstances that prompted this post are unchanged, I can see how my hurt can quickly turn into self-pity. THAT, is unacceptable because it indicates an unwillingness on my part to see both sides, which means I am not BEING the kind of friend I so long to have. I don't know any more about the path of the wind, but I am deliberately loosening my grip and trying to glide with it instead of fighting against it. It's not easy because I so want that kind of communion, but it's not up to ME. I must focus on BEING a friend, even when it's hard, leaving the direction of the storm to the Father. Lord willing, some of the storm's rain will fall on my parched soul and I will be refreshed. In the meantime, I must not linger on hurt or nurture a spirit of discontent. There is an answer in the activity if I am diligent to watch for it.