Thursday, December 16, 2010

Christmas Blues

I should be used to it by now, but I'm not. Perhaps being rejected by my own father is something I wont ever really overcome. I almost wish he would truly ignore me rather than send a token Santa card signed "Dad and Pam."  No other words. No wishes for happiness, much less "I'm proud of you" or "I love you."  When that boxed card shows up it casts a pall over my whole day. It's not even a hand-picked card from a WalMart display. It comes in a box of 20 cards and 21 envelopes. The box probably cost $5. Less if it was purchased after the holidays last year. Frankly, I'm pretty sure he doesn't even sign it.

It's not that I want gifts--not for me or for my kids.  He hasn't remembered my birthday in years. I'm okay with that (as much as I can be) because he doesn't even try. But once a year, at Christmas, this ridiculous card comes and unsettles me.

I try---I call on Father's Day (when I can find a number), his birthday, and Thanksgiving. The last call I made lasted all of two or three minutes. He hung up--better things to do. So, tonight, I'm wrapping his gift for Christmas and preparing to mail it. I'm having a hard time feeling joy in it. 

All I feel is hurt. Profoundly hurt.

I did everything I was supposed to do. I went to college, got married, had kids (in that order.) I got good grades. I work hard. I volunteer. I help. I teach. I support my children's dreams. I stayed in church.  Logically, I know that I didn't do anything to deserve his rejection. But there it is. He has rejected me--and my family.

And every Christmas a winking Santa card reminds me of how "unspecial" I am to him.

1 comment:

Shelly N. said...

I read you post about your father. I cried because I had a wonderful father. I am so glad that just before he dies of a brain tumor I was able to tell him that I loved him and that he had not told me how to live as a good person, he had shown me.

The pain you feel will probably never leave. It will be a constant reminder to you to treat your children differently. To let them know that they are treasured.

You are a treasure. That your biological father is too wrapped up in himself to notice is HIS PROBLEM!!!! Unlike your earthly father, your heavenly father sees and knows all. Go to your heavenly daddy. He treasures you, he gave his son just for you.